Today was my step-son's first day of school. Since we moved last October, Nathaniel was transferred to a school that's a little bit closer. He was very excited about it because he knew some kids from his cub scout pack that also go to his new school. I really can't believe the slightly chubby, almost baby-like child that walked into our life three years ago is now almost a pre-teen, smart as a whip, looking more and more like a man every day, and one year away from middle school. Where did the time go?
Seriously, what the hell?
Both my boys, whom were mere babies just yesterday, are going to be starting preschool next week. This isn't such a mind-fuck with Orion, because this is his second year, but Nolan? Nolan, the tiny baby that was born just the other day! is not going to be in preschool.
Even though I am completely stunned at the time that's just slipped through my fingers, I am very excited for my children. They all love being at school, around their friends, learning new things, having new experiences, making new friends. Despite all the crap that's been dumped on us the last few months, I am going to take the time to sit back and admire my awesome boys, and relish the time I have with them, before they start growing beards and driving.
I'll be honest, if I woke up tomorrow morning, looked at the calender and discovered today, Monday, had been wiped off the calender, I wouldn't lament. Today has been a perfect storm of shit. It's the beginning of the month, which means bill need to be paid, which always causes anxiety. Add on that a huge, emotionally draining fight between me and my husband (which the kids thankfully missed, as we had it during nap time, and we really weren't loud about it), kids that seem to be determined to do everything we ask them NOT to do, and an illness that we're all just now recovering from. Tension was high in the Poile house. And this seems to be our routine every time the bills need to be paid. High tension. Arguing. Chaos. Stress so thick you can cut it with a knife.
I don't know if this is just my own experience, or if this happens to everyone, but being so financially unstable makes every other problem seem so insignificant. Looking back at old posts, or pictures of just a year and a half ago, our life was wonderful. It still is obviously, but back then, our problems were so fixable, nothing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, a little wine, or a trip to the library couldn't solve. Our biggest problem back then was the amount of time my husband was gone, and I know that is a real problem that isn't easily solved, but compared to the shit were muddling through now, I would take a few late nights any day of the week.
I know not everyone would make that choice, and that's okay. I would rather know that I am going to have to have a place to live next month, that my kids are going to be able to have food in their bellies, and shoes that fit them.
And it's not just the financial side. I would rather my husband come home tired, but happy in the knowledge that he's supporting his family. Being un/underemployed takes a huge emotional toll on EVERYONE in the family, but especially him. He worries every. single. day. We fight more than ever, a little about money, but mostly because of the stress. Any little thing will set us off now. We can't handle the every day stresses of family the way we use to. Add to the fact I am working at home. which means more stress, more noise, more chaos. The kids are responding to this chaos by creating more chaos (especially my step-son, but that's a WHOLE other post). All this added stress can be pinpointed to one problem; our financial situation. Steven being home more. The utter lack of structure and routine that comes from hubby being home some days, and working the next few days.
Yes, my husband has found a job, but it's a commissioned job, and that means more time we're going to have a wait for a paycheck. Until that day comes, we're just going to keep trying to keep our family from cracking under the tremendous pressure while fighting off financial ruin.
I know it doesn't sound like the best outlook right now, and it's not. But when we get back on our feet, and can guarantee that we won't take it for granted the way we did then.
