Adventures Bidding Summer Farewell

Today was my step-son's first day of school. Since we moved last October, Nathaniel was transferred to a school that's a little bit closer. He was very excited about it because he knew some kids from his cub scout pack that also go to his new school. I really can't believe the slightly chubby, almost baby-like child that walked into our life three years ago is now almost a pre-teen, smart as a whip, looking more and more like a man every day, and one year away from middle school. Where did the time go?

Seriously, what the hell?

Both my boys, whom were mere babies just yesterday, are going to be starting preschool next week. This isn't such a mind-fuck with Orion, because this is his second year, but Nolan? Nolan, the tiny baby that was born just the other day! is not going to be in preschool.

Even though I am completely stunned at the time that's just slipped through my fingers, I am very excited for my children. They all love being at school, around their friends, learning new things, having new experiences, making new friends. Despite all the crap that's been dumped on us the last few months, I am going to take the time to sit back and admire my awesome boys, and relish the time I have with them, before they start growing beards and driving.

Adventures Then, Adventures Now

I'll be honest, if I woke up tomorrow morning, looked at the calender and discovered today, Monday, had been wiped off the calender, I wouldn't lament. Today has been a perfect storm of shit. It's the beginning of the month, which means bill need to be paid, which always causes anxiety. Add on that a huge, emotionally draining fight between me and my husband (which the kids thankfully missed, as we had it during nap time, and we really weren't loud about it), kids that seem to be determined to do everything we ask them NOT to do, and an illness that we're all just now recovering from. Tension was high in the Poile house. And this seems to be our routine every time the bills need to be paid. High tension. Arguing. Chaos. Stress so thick you can cut it with a knife.

 I don't know if this is just my own experience, or if this happens to everyone, but being so financially unstable makes every other problem seem so insignificant. Looking back at old posts, or pictures of just a year and a half ago, our life was wonderful. It still is obviously, but back then, our problems were so fixable, nothing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, a little wine, or a trip to the library couldn't solve. Our biggest problem back then was the amount of time my husband was gone, and I know that is a real problem that isn't easily solved, but compared to the shit were muddling through now, I would take a few late nights any day of the week.

I know not everyone would make that choice, and that's okay. I would rather know that I am going to have to have a place to live next month, that my kids are going to be able to have food in their bellies, and shoes that fit them.

And it's not just the financial side. I would rather my husband come home tired, but happy in the knowledge that he's supporting his family. Being un/underemployed takes a huge emotional toll on EVERYONE in the family, but especially him. He worries every. single. day. We fight more than ever, a little about money, but mostly because of the stress. Any little thing will set us off now. We can't handle the every day stresses of family the way we use to. Add to the fact I am working at home. which means more stress, more noise, more chaos. The kids are responding to this chaos by creating more chaos (especially my step-son, but that's a WHOLE other post). All this added stress can be pinpointed to one problem; our financial situation. Steven being home more. The utter lack of structure and routine that comes from hubby being home some days, and working the next few days.

Yes, my husband has found a job, but it's a commissioned job, and that means more time we're going to have a wait for a paycheck. Until that day comes, we're just going to keep trying to keep our family from cracking under the tremendous pressure while fighting off financial ruin.

I know it doesn't sound like the best outlook right now, and it's not. But when we get back on our feet, and can guarantee that we won't take it for granted the way we did then.

Our Adventures are Looking Up

Little by little, things are getting better, even if our bank statement doesn't reflect that.

Today, we paid our bills, and for the first time in a year, the balance in our savings account was under five digits. I've been dreading this day since my husband told me he was leaving active duty. And now it's here. But it's not as scary as I imagined it.

I've said before and I'll say it again, we are SO LUCKY to have the resources we do. I know most people who find themselves un or under employed don't have the ability to live that way for a year, and having lived in the situation we're in for a year now, my heart goes out to them. But I know I am not able to understand their struggle completely.

I got my very first client on Tuesday. I was beyond excited. He's only part time (two days a week) so that means I won't be making the money I had hoped, but at this point what I hoped for and our reality are very different, and I am grateful for the money I will be getting, because even though it wasn't what I hoped for, it's more than enough.

My husband also got offered a full time job as a marketing manager at a Real Estate company, with the expectation that when he finished his Real Estate licence, he'll become a broker, and eventually, a broker for the commercial sector of the company. He's not going to be making anything near what he was on active duty right now; it will probably take him close to six months (maybe longer) to start making real money, but the company that hired him is one of the highest grossing companies in the state, with more commercial real estate sales on their belt than any other company, and they're only projecting to expand in the next 3-4 years with the market picking up in Seattle. It's truly a once in a lifetime opportunity for my husband; when he came home from the interview he was beaming. I could tell that his self confidence, which had been slowly eroding for the past year, was back full force.

 The fact that his and mine combined salaries for the next few months will probably cover our bills and not much else isn't really concerning for us; we'll be able to cover our bills (and maybe a tiny bit left over for savings) and that's all we want; Steven has health and dental though the Reserves, and the company will pay into retirement. The most important thing is that Steven will be working again, interacting with people, and feeling useful. That's all we can ask for.

I leave you with the thing that has gotten us through the last year, a little greyer, but in once piece:

Adventures Cringing at My Stupider Self

Here is an old draft I came accross, that's dated about Winter of 2011.

T-mius 6 months left in the military life. I will not be sorry to leave it behind. I've always been pretty vocal about how much it sucks to have my husband work for 16 hours a day, to have to leave at a moments notice for weeks, sometimes months, to never be able to put down roots, because Uncle Sam at any moment could pull them up, to have to live the life as a single parent every other year for 12 months. Sucks. So having less then a year to go, I foolishly thought Steven would be off the hook.

FAIL.

Next Friday he's going to Yakima for 16 days. 16 DAYS. 16 days of juggling three boys, a house, a cat, and school alone. Now, 16 days may seem like a cake walk compard to the te months I did last year. But last year, I was going to school on campus, not online, and had adult interaction regularly. 

What a whiny little bia I sounded like. Thank God that post was never published. If I could come face-to-face with the person who wrote those words (myself, only dumber) I would slap myself so hard. Since Steven has left active duty, and joined the Reserves, he's had to take four extended assignments that have taken him away from home, most of them have been for two weeks at a time. The shortest was 9 days. Having him away wasn't fun, I'll admit, but knowing that the bills would be paid that month, made it tolerable.

Maybe this is Karma, kicking my ass. Maybe I just complained one too many times, and now I am paying for it. Maybe I just didn't appreciate what I really had. Boy has that changed. Now I feel nothing but gratitude for what I have. The only negative feeling I have in my life at this point is fear that the life I have is going to be taken away because of my bad attitude. Like I said in my pervious post, staying positive is now the ultimate goal, because I tried being a bitter little bitch who put her own needs over her husband's career, and that did not work out so well.

The Difficult Adventure of Staying Positive.

I know, I know, it's kind of a cliche. Stay positive. It's what people here when something really bad has happened to them. It's the kind of thing you here only when it's really, really hard to stay positive. No one needs a reminder when things are going great.

It's what I told myself the for ten months when my husband deployed. Day after day, I had to shuttle my pregnant self, and two small kids out of the house on time to get them to school/daycare, and myself to class. I had to go to my classes, and be a college student in my last semester. Food, laundry, household chores, displine, keeping the kids entertained and happy in a time of stress, keeping myself sane, and putting the many worrisome thoughts I had about my husband being in a war zone in the back of my mind; all these things fell on my shoulders. And I told myself to stay positive; this situation may be hard, but it's temporary.

Now, I find myself two and a half years later, struggling to keep that same attitute that got me through those hard months. The problem is, I didn't plan for the senrio that we're in. I was so naive, I didn't expect my husband to see a year come and go and not a single full-time job to show for it. But that's our reality. It sucks, but it is what it is.

To say that unemploymen/underemployment affects every aspect of a family's life is an understatment. It seeps into every nook and cranny of our lives; marriage, kids, house, activities, our cat, our relationships with our out-of-state friends and family, transportation, EVERYTHING. This burden has slowly, with every passing month become heavier and heaiver, and now it's starting to feel so heavy that getting out from under it seems an impossible task. But this is crutial moment. Now we're at point where we could let the burden of unemployment crush us completely, and watch everything we've worked six years to build crumble.

Or we could stay positive.

We can do absolutly everything in our power to make sure every penny is accounted for, and pay everyone of our bills ontime.

We can look for help where ever it is avalible.

My husband can take mosre assingments (even when they are away from home).

We can make sure his resume and my business are getting plenty of healthy circulation.

But most importantly, we can look around at everything we still have, and remember how increadblly lucky we are to have everything we have (including a severence fund that has sustainted us for the past 7 months, and will continue to do so for another 9 months). We have a roof over our head, two vehicles that are complely paid off, a rental property that generates precious income (however small it may be), three increabily beautiful children, who light up our lives every day. We have health and dental insurance (even though it takes a very big chuck out of my husband's measly Army Reserve salary), which has already paid for itself ten times over.

All these things are a blessing. Not everyone is as lucky as we are, and my heart goes out to those families who are not as fortunate; it's easy than ever for me to have a well of empathy for those individuals.

This situation is temorary. My husband will not be devoid of a full time job forever. I will eventually eroll children for my daycare business, and we will get back to the fiancial stability we had a year ago. And for these reasons, complaining about our situation just isn't right. So I am only going to maintain the most positive outlook on our situation, no matter how heavy the situation my seem.

Adventures with (more) Disapointment

We got some news today. I am not quite sure how to classify this news, in terms of "bad" or "good".

Steven is not going to be deployed. Obviously, as any military spouse knows, deployment sucks for so many reasons, especially the second, third, or fourth deployment. When Steven reviled he had volunteered to deploy, I can't say I was exactly giddy about the prospect, but I've spent so much time in our marriage complaining about his military career, I did not want to make an issue of it. I decided to just support him in his decision, and look at the plus side (yes, there is one). It would allow him to go back to work for a while; I know him being unemployed for as long as he has been really tough for everyone, especially him. It kills him that he's not out there, earning a living for his family. There's also the money; deployment provides a very decent income, and right now, that's exactly what we need.

He was very excited to go for those reasons. Obviously, he was kind of backed into a corner by the situation we're in, but overall, he felt he could better serve his family and his country overseas. It was all but guaranteed that he would go.

Then the mission was canceled. No one is going.

Now we're back to square one. Faced with the summer with no employment for him did not sit well for my dear hubby. Needless to say, he wasn't happy. I am happy that I won't have to send my husband to war, but the prospect of one, two, three, four, who knows how many more months with only his minuscule Reserve pay, and our equally small rental income to support us is, I am not going to lie, pretty scary.

The silver lining has been that my business, which should provide a huge cushion to our expenses, should be up and running (and making money) in less than a month. This daycare won't make us rich, or, let's face it, even sustained. But it will be an income that will be coming in, that we can use to pay or bills, and it will take the pressure off my husband to earn more. Now he can just focus on getting work, without focusing on the income requirements he set for himself as the sole breadwinner. 

On the same day he got the news that he would not deploy, he also learned he is going to be promoted early next year.

One step forward, one step back.

Adventures Jumping Over Hurdles

I hope this post isn't too DebbieDowner. Today was a really rough day all around. The crap just never seemed to stop. Each thing on it's own may have been manageable, but it was just one of those days. Meltdowns so epic we needed to remove ourselves from public space (twice), non-stop sibling bickering that eventually led to a physical scuffle (complete with bruises), Having to tell my 9 year old that, yes I realize it's beyond unfair, but we won't be able to afford for you to play basketball this summer, or really do anything that costs more than a few dollars. It was one of those days. But the icing on the cake had to have been my stupid window.

About a month ago, I had my inspection. It went better than I could have expected; my licence said my space looked great, organized and she was very impressed. There were just a few things here and there that needed to be corrected, like things that weren't posted or corrections to my parent policies. I was really confident, until she went into my playroom and measured the window. The length of the opening was too small. By a whole four inches. She told me my options were change the window or don't use the room. I decided to change the window, as the room is basically the hub of the entire daycare. It was pricey, as the size of the window dictated that the replacement had to be custom made. And being custom made, it also took about three weeks. But it came today, and when I saw it installed, I realized it was the perfect size length wise, but way too small width wise. I just wanted to collapse. All the time and money, seemed to just be completely wasted.

I think I've come up with a few solutions, but it was just the shock of putting in so much time and money into something that is basically useless. And right now, at a time when we have to account for every penny, I felt like such a fool spending so much money on something that I can't use. 

It's also is coming up on my husband's one year anniversary of being unemployed; not exactly an anniversary we want to celebrate with cake. As it's gotten closer and closer, the tension keeps growing. I can tell that it's really affecting his self-esteem being out of work for so long; he feels less and less confident with every job application that gets rejected. Right now he has a few leads, and I really hope they pan out, because being unemployed is really starting to take it's toll on everyone. When I get this window debacle sorted out I can start making some money too, which will take some of the pressure off Steven, but I know it's more than about money for him.

Hopefully Summer when things pan out for us.

Adventures in Disneyworld, Dealing with Dismal Unemployment

I know these pictures are very much overdue, seeing as we came home from Disneyworld almost a month ago. We had an overall pleasant experience; despite the fact that myself, Orion, and Nolan all had Hands, Foot, and Mouth disease (very gross, very painful, not fun to have on a 10 hour plane ride). The boys were in the end stages in their illness anyhow, so it was only me who was suffering, but I sucked it up. The plane ride (which is what I was most concerned about) went amazingly well; no delays, only minor meltdowns. They boys were in heaven. They loved everything about Disneyworld, and Orion told me on several occasions that he wanted to stay forever. Some pictures from our adventure:

Our sun-starved family hiding from the Florida sun

Nolan on the Meri-go-round

The older boys waiting to see the nighttime parade

Nathan and Orion at Epcot



Mom, Nolan, Orion, Nathan, Mickey Mouse

The boys with Pluto (Nolan loved his whiskers)

Dad, Nolan, Nathan, Orion, Minnie Mouse

The boys at Epcot in front of a Toy Story shrub

What's a trip to Disney without a mouse shaped ice cream?

Orion and Nathan with some Jungle Book characters that I can't name

Fun times. It really helped take out minds off our home situation. Things have gotten somewhat more promising; I am in the process of getting licenced to become a family home child care provider (inspections tomorrow, cross your fingers), and Steven has had several interviews. Steven's coming up on being unemployed for a year, and to say that he's getting frustrated is hitting the nail on the head. We both had this idea in our heads that employers would be lining up the block to hire him, after all he has 13 years of various management experience, and an advanced degree. Stupid us. Now were sitting here, 11 months later still living off our dwindling savings.  I read an article in yesterday's paper that said there is vast unemployment among veterans and I can say that this sounds about right. But we're keeping our heads up, and hoping something comes along soon.

Adventures Braving the Bitter Winter Cold

So being the super scatterbrained organized person that I am, I finally uploaded some pictures from our camera from last month. For those of you who don't keep up with news from the Pacific Northwest, we had 11 inches of snow, an ice storm, freezing rain, and a massive power outage. These pictures were taken right after our power went out, snow day 7 (yes, our son was out of school for a total of 11 days. I had never heard of such a thing till we moved up here). Around this time, everyone was going stir crazy, and now they had lost their T.V., computer, not to mention the little things like light and heat. We were under the impression that the lights would come back on any minute (as we know now, this didn't happen for three days. Ignorance is bliss). So we tried our best to entertain the kids without electricity.

This worked for a while. The played fashion show, and played with some puzzles. But 18 month olds and puzzles don't quite fit (no pun intended), so after about 12 minutes of indoor fun, we headed outside

As you can see, the little kids are wearing different hats. No these weren't taken on two different occasions, the hats became drenched within the first 5 minutes. (note to self: buy water resistant gear). Unfortunately, this activity didn't last much longer than the first. Everyone was cold and wet. At this point our electricity had been out almost 45 minutes. We called to ask WTF, and this is when we learned of the massive outages due to trees falling under the weight of ice onto power lines. So of course we fled the city and toughed it out at my parents' condo in Seattle. I am not more aware than ever that I am not the kind of person that can live comfortably without modern technology. If other can that's great, but I am not one of them. If Armageddon happens, and there's no technology to be found, I'll deal with it then. But for now, I am happy the lights are back on.

On another note, Steven had his first job interview yesterday. I was so happy for him, yet still really nervous that this is his first interview since he started his job search months ago. He said it went well so I am really hoping he gets this job. Fingers crossed!

I will leave you with some Valentines Day cupcakes I make. Try not to lick the screen.