What a Difference a Year Makes

Turns out, it makes quite a difference. My life today is so very different from the last time I made a post. I figure I'll pick up where I left off and start the many, many updates.

September 2012, my husband was unemployed. He was working on getting licensed as a realtor, and not having much luck. I was just starting my home daycare. Our saving account was dwindling, things were looking grim. We had bills. Two mortgagees. Three kids. What seemed like an endless stream of bills. I've been lucky enough in my life that I've never had to seriously worry about money. I never had to make the choice between gas in the car or going to the dentist. I'd never thought about money more than I did that year. Money was all I seemed to be able to think about. The stress of the situation manifested itself in a variety of ways; my husband and I grew closer as a team, but fought constantly, and heatedly. We were both becoming less patient, and more terrified as the days passed with no job offers.

Then we got a phone call that changed pretty much everything. A job. More than a job. A job with a six figure salary, health insurance. A job that came with some serious drawbacks: this job is temporary, and it's overseas. But it was our way out.

When my husband deployed, the rift that had been growing slowly between us suddenly and unexpectedly multiplied. Both of us became less and less invested in our marriage. We started talking about living separately permanently. Dating other people. We seriously contemplated divorce. Some of the things we talked about actually happened. The more we talked about going our separate ways, the more the reality of what we were talking about became clear. Divorce wouldn't just mean not being together anymore; it had serious repercussions for our children, our families, our financial stability, as well as our own emotional well being. So he left after his 21 day leave on this note. I am feeling optimistic that our marriage will make it back to where it needs to be.

Last year, I was kind of wondering around, lost and confused; I didn't really know what the hell came after college. What did I want to do? Did I want a career? What kind? I went to Capella in 2011 to get an MBA, a sharp turn from the undergrad in education I earned, as well as every job I've ever had. That didn't last long (two quarters to be exact). But being brought to the brink of poverty by unemployment gave me a pretty clear perspective of where I want my own life to go. Running my own business has been fulfilling beyond words. I've learned so much in my first year, including the path I'd like to take next. I want to be a trainer or licenser for the Department of Early Learning. I know this is what I want to do because it has remained a constant throughout the year. And I am making it happen now: I've been accepted into a Masters of Social Work program starting this Fall.

Not knowing what I am going to do with my life is a struggle I've seen with other people my age. Since I made the choice to start a family and get married young, however, I've had that extra struggle to deal with on top of family obligations. It's not the ideal. But I feel like things are finally coming together for me. I feel more confident as a mother and care provider as well as a person. I am still working on the wife part. I love my husband more than I've loved any man. But loving someone does not always translate to being in a successful marriage. All I can do is give it my best, and try hard everyday.

In the meantime, these things keep growing, changing, thriving, and continuing to amaze me.

Nathan, 11. One more year before middle school. Brilliant, silly, and adaptive. 

Orion, 5. Starting kindergarten this year. Smart, creative, and fiery.

Nolan, 3. Starting his first year of preschool. Sweet, cuddly, and affectionate. 

Steven's job as I said is temporary. We're looking at January. This time around, we've tried to make some kind of plan; last time we were faced with unemployment, there was no planning, not advance preparation (even though we had almost 8 month to plan). This time, we'll be okay. 

Adventures Bidding Summer Farewell

Today was my step-son's first day of school. Since we moved last October, Nathaniel was transferred to a school that's a little bit closer. He was very excited about it because he knew some kids from his cub scout pack that also go to his new school. I really can't believe the slightly chubby, almost baby-like child that walked into our life three years ago is now almost a pre-teen, smart as a whip, looking more and more like a man every day, and one year away from middle school. Where did the time go?

Seriously, what the hell?

Both my boys, whom were mere babies just yesterday, are going to be starting preschool next week. This isn't such a mind-fuck with Orion, because this is his second year, but Nolan? Nolan, the tiny baby that was born just the other day! is not going to be in preschool.

Even though I am completely stunned at the time that's just slipped through my fingers, I am very excited for my children. They all love being at school, around their friends, learning new things, having new experiences, making new friends. Despite all the crap that's been dumped on us the last few months, I am going to take the time to sit back and admire my awesome boys, and relish the time I have with them, before they start growing beards and driving.

Adventures Then, Adventures Now

I'll be honest, if I woke up tomorrow morning, looked at the calender and discovered today, Monday, had been wiped off the calender, I wouldn't lament. Today has been a perfect storm of shit. It's the beginning of the month, which means bill need to be paid, which always causes anxiety. Add on that a huge, emotionally draining fight between me and my husband (which the kids thankfully missed, as we had it during nap time, and we really weren't loud about it), kids that seem to be determined to do everything we ask them NOT to do, and an illness that we're all just now recovering from. Tension was high in the Poile house. And this seems to be our routine every time the bills need to be paid. High tension. Arguing. Chaos. Stress so thick you can cut it with a knife.

 I don't know if this is just my own experience, or if this happens to everyone, but being so financially unstable makes every other problem seem so insignificant. Looking back at old posts, or pictures of just a year and a half ago, our life was wonderful. It still is obviously, but back then, our problems were so fixable, nothing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, a little wine, or a trip to the library couldn't solve. Our biggest problem back then was the amount of time my husband was gone, and I know that is a real problem that isn't easily solved, but compared to the shit were muddling through now, I would take a few late nights any day of the week.

I know not everyone would make that choice, and that's okay. I would rather know that I am going to have to have a place to live next month, that my kids are going to be able to have food in their bellies, and shoes that fit them.

And it's not just the financial side. I would rather my husband come home tired, but happy in the knowledge that he's supporting his family. Being un/underemployed takes a huge emotional toll on EVERYONE in the family, but especially him. He worries every. single. day. We fight more than ever, a little about money, but mostly because of the stress. Any little thing will set us off now. We can't handle the every day stresses of family the way we use to. Add to the fact I am working at home. which means more stress, more noise, more chaos. The kids are responding to this chaos by creating more chaos (especially my step-son, but that's a WHOLE other post). All this added stress can be pinpointed to one problem; our financial situation. Steven being home more. The utter lack of structure and routine that comes from hubby being home some days, and working the next few days.

Yes, my husband has found a job, but it's a commissioned job, and that means more time we're going to have a wait for a paycheck. Until that day comes, we're just going to keep trying to keep our family from cracking under the tremendous pressure while fighting off financial ruin.

I know it doesn't sound like the best outlook right now, and it's not. But when we get back on our feet, and can guarantee that we won't take it for granted the way we did then.

Our Adventures are Looking Up

Little by little, things are getting better, even if our bank statement doesn't reflect that.

Today, we paid our bills, and for the first time in a year, the balance in our savings account was under five digits. I've been dreading this day since my husband told me he was leaving active duty. And now it's here. But it's not as scary as I imagined it.

I've said before and I'll say it again, we are SO LUCKY to have the resources we do. I know most people who find themselves un or under employed don't have the ability to live that way for a year, and having lived in the situation we're in for a year now, my heart goes out to them. But I know I am not able to understand their struggle completely.

I got my very first client on Tuesday. I was beyond excited. He's only part time (two days a week) so that means I won't be making the money I had hoped, but at this point what I hoped for and our reality are very different, and I am grateful for the money I will be getting, because even though it wasn't what I hoped for, it's more than enough.

My husband also got offered a full time job as a marketing manager at a Real Estate company, with the expectation that when he finished his Real Estate licence, he'll become a broker, and eventually, a broker for the commercial sector of the company. He's not going to be making anything near what he was on active duty right now; it will probably take him close to six months (maybe longer) to start making real money, but the company that hired him is one of the highest grossing companies in the state, with more commercial real estate sales on their belt than any other company, and they're only projecting to expand in the next 3-4 years with the market picking up in Seattle. It's truly a once in a lifetime opportunity for my husband; when he came home from the interview he was beaming. I could tell that his self confidence, which had been slowly eroding for the past year, was back full force.

 The fact that his and mine combined salaries for the next few months will probably cover our bills and not much else isn't really concerning for us; we'll be able to cover our bills (and maybe a tiny bit left over for savings) and that's all we want; Steven has health and dental though the Reserves, and the company will pay into retirement. The most important thing is that Steven will be working again, interacting with people, and feeling useful. That's all we can ask for.

I leave you with the thing that has gotten us through the last year, a little greyer, but in once piece:

Adventures Cringing at My Stupider Self

Here is an old draft I came accross, that's dated about Winter of 2011.

T-mius 6 months left in the military life. I will not be sorry to leave it behind. I've always been pretty vocal about how much it sucks to have my husband work for 16 hours a day, to have to leave at a moments notice for weeks, sometimes months, to never be able to put down roots, because Uncle Sam at any moment could pull them up, to have to live the life as a single parent every other year for 12 months. Sucks. So having less then a year to go, I foolishly thought Steven would be off the hook.

FAIL.

Next Friday he's going to Yakima for 16 days. 16 DAYS. 16 days of juggling three boys, a house, a cat, and school alone. Now, 16 days may seem like a cake walk compard to the te months I did last year. But last year, I was going to school on campus, not online, and had adult interaction regularly. 

What a whiny little bia I sounded like. Thank God that post was never published. If I could come face-to-face with the person who wrote those words (myself, only dumber) I would slap myself so hard. Since Steven has left active duty, and joined the Reserves, he's had to take four extended assignments that have taken him away from home, most of them have been for two weeks at a time. The shortest was 9 days. Having him away wasn't fun, I'll admit, but knowing that the bills would be paid that month, made it tolerable.

Maybe this is Karma, kicking my ass. Maybe I just complained one too many times, and now I am paying for it. Maybe I just didn't appreciate what I really had. Boy has that changed. Now I feel nothing but gratitude for what I have. The only negative feeling I have in my life at this point is fear that the life I have is going to be taken away because of my bad attitude. Like I said in my pervious post, staying positive is now the ultimate goal, because I tried being a bitter little bitch who put her own needs over her husband's career, and that did not work out so well.

The Difficult Adventure of Staying Positive.

I know, I know, it's kind of a cliche. Stay positive. It's what people here when something really bad has happened to them. It's the kind of thing you here only when it's really, really hard to stay positive. No one needs a reminder when things are going great.

It's what I told myself the for ten months when my husband deployed. Day after day, I had to shuttle my pregnant self, and two small kids out of the house on time to get them to school/daycare, and myself to class. I had to go to my classes, and be a college student in my last semester. Food, laundry, household chores, displine, keeping the kids entertained and happy in a time of stress, keeping myself sane, and putting the many worrisome thoughts I had about my husband being in a war zone in the back of my mind; all these things fell on my shoulders. And I told myself to stay positive; this situation may be hard, but it's temporary.

Now, I find myself two and a half years later, struggling to keep that same attitute that got me through those hard months. The problem is, I didn't plan for the senrio that we're in. I was so naive, I didn't expect my husband to see a year come and go and not a single full-time job to show for it. But that's our reality. It sucks, but it is what it is.

To say that unemploymen/underemployment affects every aspect of a family's life is an understatment. It seeps into every nook and cranny of our lives; marriage, kids, house, activities, our cat, our relationships with our out-of-state friends and family, transportation, EVERYTHING. This burden has slowly, with every passing month become heavier and heaiver, and now it's starting to feel so heavy that getting out from under it seems an impossible task. But this is crutial moment. Now we're at point where we could let the burden of unemployment crush us completely, and watch everything we've worked six years to build crumble.

Or we could stay positive.

We can do absolutly everything in our power to make sure every penny is accounted for, and pay everyone of our bills ontime.

We can look for help where ever it is avalible.

My husband can take mosre assingments (even when they are away from home).

We can make sure his resume and my business are getting plenty of healthy circulation.

But most importantly, we can look around at everything we still have, and remember how increadblly lucky we are to have everything we have (including a severence fund that has sustainted us for the past 7 months, and will continue to do so for another 9 months). We have a roof over our head, two vehicles that are complely paid off, a rental property that generates precious income (however small it may be), three increabily beautiful children, who light up our lives every day. We have health and dental insurance (even though it takes a very big chuck out of my husband's measly Army Reserve salary), which has already paid for itself ten times over.

All these things are a blessing. Not everyone is as lucky as we are, and my heart goes out to those families who are not as fortunate; it's easy than ever for me to have a well of empathy for those individuals.

This situation is temorary. My husband will not be devoid of a full time job forever. I will eventually eroll children for my daycare business, and we will get back to the fiancial stability we had a year ago. And for these reasons, complaining about our situation just isn't right. So I am only going to maintain the most positive outlook on our situation, no matter how heavy the situation my seem.

Adventures with (more) Disapointment

We got some news today. I am not quite sure how to classify this news, in terms of "bad" or "good".

Steven is not going to be deployed. Obviously, as any military spouse knows, deployment sucks for so many reasons, especially the second, third, or fourth deployment. When Steven reviled he had volunteered to deploy, I can't say I was exactly giddy about the prospect, but I've spent so much time in our marriage complaining about his military career, I did not want to make an issue of it. I decided to just support him in his decision, and look at the plus side (yes, there is one). It would allow him to go back to work for a while; I know him being unemployed for as long as he has been really tough for everyone, especially him. It kills him that he's not out there, earning a living for his family. There's also the money; deployment provides a very decent income, and right now, that's exactly what we need.

He was very excited to go for those reasons. Obviously, he was kind of backed into a corner by the situation we're in, but overall, he felt he could better serve his family and his country overseas. It was all but guaranteed that he would go.

Then the mission was canceled. No one is going.

Now we're back to square one. Faced with the summer with no employment for him did not sit well for my dear hubby. Needless to say, he wasn't happy. I am happy that I won't have to send my husband to war, but the prospect of one, two, three, four, who knows how many more months with only his minuscule Reserve pay, and our equally small rental income to support us is, I am not going to lie, pretty scary.

The silver lining has been that my business, which should provide a huge cushion to our expenses, should be up and running (and making money) in less than a month. This daycare won't make us rich, or, let's face it, even sustained. But it will be an income that will be coming in, that we can use to pay or bills, and it will take the pressure off my husband to earn more. Now he can just focus on getting work, without focusing on the income requirements he set for himself as the sole breadwinner. 

On the same day he got the news that he would not deploy, he also learned he is going to be promoted early next year.

One step forward, one step back.